It sounds more like you're still into her and don't want to let her go, yet at the same time don't want to admit that to yourself.
i probably am, a bit. But I don't want to be, y'know? Nothing is going to happen, and I want to say I'm fine with that. I'm looking elsewhere I'm not longing to be with her, I'm not blind to all her flaws anymore, but she's just in my head and I want her out of it. She makes me think there's something wrong with me and that's why I failed, and she makes me feel angry. I don't think about winning her over, I think about me getting the chance to reject her and rub her fucking face in it. And I think its not good to feel this way about someone.
I don't want to be spiteful, I just want to look out for number one.
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