cried my eyes out today.
never have i shown that much emotion.
I tried to restrain and stop myself from crying
Was no use, had no other option, they poured out.
Memories from the past relived.
I recalled my childhood
The abuse i had to endure
Ongoing fighting between the two people my life revolved around.
Confused and Misunderstood, she vented her anger on me.
I don't think i can ever forgive,
but i'm obligated to assist
Wasn't her fault, she was afraid and alone
She yearned for love and that drove her to madness
Now look at her, look at me, look at us
Psychologically scarred, never realised this was the case.
Till I ventured deep into the soul and uncovered the truth from the past.
Friday, September 16, 2011
i am truly unique. An alien. A dark star in an infinite galaxy of meaninglessness. Every action I take or do not take causes the inevitable to come closer/go further away. I have no solid rock. There is no constant but me. I have no trust in anyone but myself. And I hate myself. I am going to die, sooner moreso than later, and there's nothing I can do but worry about it.
I am a stark, cold, bitter realist. And the black coffee has gone cold. But I drink it anyway.
Isolation, loneliness, and introspection kind of rule over me now. I try to find some pleasures in the time I have left. I love music. David Bowie, Morrissey. Beck. I escape into other people's worlds. I love to read. Twain, Vonnegut. I can't handle my reality so I enter their's. I adore the dark humor. I can find just about anything funny, if only on a cosmic level. I study these people I consider geniuses, hoping to emulate them, while at the same time being painfully self-aware of the limits I have. Ignorance really would be bliss. I don't feel like I ever was young, nor had the chance to be, and it's a cold thought. And it's probably my own fault.
All I have on my mind now is time.
How it is the only thing that runs the universe, ourselves, and those which we’ll never know.
Every single second moves and we move with it. Like a pendulum on a clock. It sways and we’re in the middle, pendulum comes from the right, the tough sphere pierces us in our stomach not destroying it at all from the outside, and we lose our breathe as we are being lifted to the other side grabbing on for dear life. A rollercoaster I guess.
Right this instant. What power do I have over anything?
Everything is changing and everything is the same. Honestly, how am I still able to function?
Look me in the eye and tell me what you see?
I stare at my reflection in the mirror and all I see is the shadow of myself, an image of the past, of what I could be and what might have been. I see a burning star, slowly deteriorating, constantly expanding but we all know what comes after a supernova. In my eyes i see sorrow, fear, uncertainty, remorse and I see pain and suffering, the desire for happiness. I hold onto hope like one would hold on for dear life. I've failed constantly to understand situations and to fully grasp the concept of differentiating between dreaming and reality. It's not making mistakes which enrages me the most, it's repeating those same mistakes countlessly without giving any thought to my past actions. I'm extremely wishy-washy, but only because I don't like hurting the people dearest to me, yet I'm constantly reminded that I'm a selfish, arrogant and fearful bastard by myself and the people around me. I project a false image and aura of self confidence, only to mask the hurt and desire to be accepted. I don't want to be different, I just want to be normal. What use is confidence if it's for all the wrong reasons. What use is imagination and intelligence if I never find ways to apply them? I'm a deeply misunderstood and sad individual, and until I find someone/something to fill this voidness within me, I will forever live in misery. My personality is not my strength, it is my weakness. It's my imperfections that make me human.
mbti type: INTJ with a tendency to get very INFJ when emotionally conflicted.
socionics: INTJ / INTP
enneagram: 5w6 sx/sp/so
perfectionism/detachment
INTJs are very analytical individuals. They are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. Hallmark features of the INTJ personality type include independence of thought, strong individualism and creativity. Persons with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom. They harbour an innate desire to express themselves; that is to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Analyzing and formulating complex theories are among their greatest strengths.
I'm not a shy person nor a coward and I certainly don't lack any confidence, but I won't go out of my way to meet or reach out to people, or to initiate something unless I think that it's absolutely necessary.
Set your goals, accomplish the shit you wish to accomplish and you will see your happiness and confidence rise like never before.
Want to get girls? Feeling lonely? Fuck em. Do you. They will see your success in your own life and naturally be attracted to you.
Depressed? Feeling purposeless? Find the things you always want to-do; jot down all those to-do lists you’ve had for years and knock em out. You will feel so much better about yourself.
I like people who I can occasionally have deep conversations with, and at the same time joke around with them.
I enjoy observing people out of the corner my eye without actually looking their way.
I fear my existence because I contradict the probable. I deny the probable to be in existence, O irony of fate, the enigma of my desires! shatter the hour glass and bring quickly my demise, for I can no longer bear this heavy body and my sorrowful soul.
I am a stark, cold, bitter realist. And the black coffee has gone cold. But I drink it anyway.
Isolation, loneliness, and introspection kind of rule over me now. I try to find some pleasures in the time I have left. I love music. David Bowie, Morrissey. Beck. I escape into other people's worlds. I love to read. Twain, Vonnegut. I can't handle my reality so I enter their's. I adore the dark humor. I can find just about anything funny, if only on a cosmic level. I study these people I consider geniuses, hoping to emulate them, while at the same time being painfully self-aware of the limits I have. Ignorance really would be bliss. I don't feel like I ever was young, nor had the chance to be, and it's a cold thought. And it's probably my own fault.
All I have on my mind now is time.
How it is the only thing that runs the universe, ourselves, and those which we’ll never know.
Every single second moves and we move with it. Like a pendulum on a clock. It sways and we’re in the middle, pendulum comes from the right, the tough sphere pierces us in our stomach not destroying it at all from the outside, and we lose our breathe as we are being lifted to the other side grabbing on for dear life. A rollercoaster I guess.
Right this instant. What power do I have over anything?
Everything is changing and everything is the same. Honestly, how am I still able to function?
Look me in the eye and tell me what you see?
I stare at my reflection in the mirror and all I see is the shadow of myself, an image of the past, of what I could be and what might have been. I see a burning star, slowly deteriorating, constantly expanding but we all know what comes after a supernova. In my eyes i see sorrow, fear, uncertainty, remorse and I see pain and suffering, the desire for happiness. I hold onto hope like one would hold on for dear life. I've failed constantly to understand situations and to fully grasp the concept of differentiating between dreaming and reality. It's not making mistakes which enrages me the most, it's repeating those same mistakes countlessly without giving any thought to my past actions. I'm extremely wishy-washy, but only because I don't like hurting the people dearest to me, yet I'm constantly reminded that I'm a selfish, arrogant and fearful bastard by myself and the people around me. I project a false image and aura of self confidence, only to mask the hurt and desire to be accepted. I don't want to be different, I just want to be normal. What use is confidence if it's for all the wrong reasons. What use is imagination and intelligence if I never find ways to apply them? I'm a deeply misunderstood and sad individual, and until I find someone/something to fill this voidness within me, I will forever live in misery. My personality is not my strength, it is my weakness. It's my imperfections that make me human.
mbti type: INTJ with a tendency to get very INFJ when emotionally conflicted.
socionics: INTJ / INTP
enneagram: 5w6 sx/sp/so
perfectionism/detachment
INTJs are very analytical individuals. They are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. Hallmark features of the INTJ personality type include independence of thought, strong individualism and creativity. Persons with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom. They harbour an innate desire to express themselves; that is to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Analyzing and formulating complex theories are among their greatest strengths.
I'm not a shy person nor a coward and I certainly don't lack any confidence, but I won't go out of my way to meet or reach out to people, or to initiate something unless I think that it's absolutely necessary.
Set your goals, accomplish the shit you wish to accomplish and you will see your happiness and confidence rise like never before.
Want to get girls? Feeling lonely? Fuck em. Do you. They will see your success in your own life and naturally be attracted to you.
Depressed? Feeling purposeless? Find the things you always want to-do; jot down all those to-do lists you’ve had for years and knock em out. You will feel so much better about yourself.
I like people who I can occasionally have deep conversations with, and at the same time joke around with them.
I enjoy observing people out of the corner my eye without actually looking their way.
I fear my existence because I contradict the probable. I deny the probable to be in existence, O irony of fate, the enigma of my desires! shatter the hour glass and bring quickly my demise, for I can no longer bear this heavy body and my sorrowful soul.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
It's come to that point in life again where I have to make decisions and decide on what's the best method to approach my purpose of being here on this earth. Purpose here on earth? "Isn't that extremely subjective and complex to even ponder on?" you may think. But yes I have been pondering a lot on the meaning of life and existence. I don't exactly know what the 'real' life is, having spent my entire existence focused within myself but... i'm digressing..
Point is what shall I do with my life?
Point is what shall I do with my life?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)