She talked to me last night, for the first time in a very long time.
I know I should have written this immediately after I woke up but I wanted to spend some time reflecting on it. Everything felt so surreal, it was so lucid. I could feel emotions in that dream, shock, disbelief, denial but most of all happiness. I enjoyed every moment of it and if I could I’d relive it all over again. I'll do everything I did differently.
It's a dream and it's been almost 3 hours since I woke up, so. Recalling what happened in detail is going to be challenging.
It started out with a phone call from Ian; he was at the pool asking me to meet him and some of my other friends. So I went down and as I passed the tennis court, I saw a group of people playing tennis. Most of them were familiar faces; Ruth, Bao Hui, that's all I can remember actually but what made me angry the most was the sight of her in mi p.e. uniform playing in my tennis court. I walked passed with a pain in my heart.
As I arrived at the pool, I was greeted by Dian and... her? I was like, "what the bloody hell?" Dian greeted me warmly and I asked what 'she' was doing there. Dian told me everything was fine, I was confused. I spoke to her I told her that I thought she was at the tennis court playing with her other friends. I tried making a joke out of it and everything changed at that moment. She spoke to me, we had an actual conversation just like before. The good times we shared, the fun we had. All was back to normal, before everything went sour. We were back to being friends again. I didn't care for an intimate relationship anymore I just wanted her friendship. I liked being around her, just looking out for her and making sure things were all right. Her companionship meant the world to me at that moment.
The next thing I can remember was us going back to my pad to chill. I recall the living room was in a bit of a mess, it wasn't exactly the same living room as I remembered it. It was brighter, nicer, and more spacious. The couch was bigger than normal and grey. I tried to tidy up a bit, got rid of the cushions lying on the floor and rubbed my feet all over the carpet. Told them to come in and we all sat down on the couch, I think Ian was with us. They wanted to watch a movie. :) That felt nice, our old movie marathons with chips, murtabak and prata from Enaq, the Indian food store across the road.
I searched for titles for us to watch in the drawer, as I called out names everyone seemed to have watched them before, I was getting worried. Finally we got to something, a good while into the movie I decided everything was getting a bit too tense, no one was talking and she seemed a bit cold. I sat on the carpet, too afraid to get close to her. I didn't want to ruin anything.
I suggested we borrow a movie instead from the rental store. It was a unanimous decision, everyone agreed. Then I remembered I was short on cash, just good enough for the movie, I didn't have enough for a membership card. But it was all right, 'she' said she had a membership card back at home. She'd go get it while we settle the rest.
Walking down an isle of shops, this part is hard to remember, all I knew was we were looking for something. I was having conversations with friends, don't know their names. Can't remember who but all I know was we were.
Back at home, it's mothers day ya? Mums in the kitchen cooking all sorts of food. Should be me preparing dinner but nay.. I was too caught up with my long lost friend. I tried to keep things simple, as thou we were all just normal friends having a sweet time.
Next thing I know, the table is all laid out and food's ready. We're all sitting around having light conversation. Both my Home tutors were there, Mr. Tan and Madam Marnee, interesting huh? Felt like as if I was back in school again. We engaged in general conversation, can't be specific on details I can barely recall what was said. All I knew was that I felt comfortable and at peace. She was there with me, after being away for what felt like an eternity. That gap in my life had been filled. I finally had closure. Regardless of this in the back of my head there were still questions unanswered. What happened to her relationship with that German scum? Whatever happened? Is she still with him? What was she thinking right now. I had no idea. I never had the time to ask and I didn't want to anyway. That would just spoil the entire event.
Can't remember anything anymore really.
You know I really don't know how I wronged you. You never confronted me, you said you would. I've left school. I've left Singapore. No words were ever exchanged. I never got another chance to look you in the eye or to say goodbye. To apologies, tell you that I truly regretted whatever I did. I never told you what I felt for you and you obviously don't know how great it was but believe me, I would have given up everything I have now to change. To change for you.
I don’t know what this dream meant.
I’m all out of words. I’ve spent too much time thinking about you.
This needs to stop.
So many things in this world I've misunderstood.
Believe me when I tell you I wish I could.
And if you do what you say, and you say what you do.
Lord knows we won't be talking this whole life through.
