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Saturday, July 31, 2010

lolwhut



he's climbing in yo windows snatchin' yo people's up trying to rape em' so yall need to hide ya kidz, hide yo wife, and hide ya husb CUZ THEY RAPIN' ERRBODY OUT HERE

Friday, July 30, 2010

album full of ugly people

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=4639522&id=720344623&fbid=412972639623#!/photo.php?pid=4639519&id=720344623&fbid=412972554623

please ocean clouds

dick. (W) says:
*I
*WANT
*TO
*SMASH
*FACES
Eternal ruler says:
*lol
*dont worry about it
*just
*live tru it la
*u
*get your degrre
*degree
*work
*do anything whatu  want
dick. (W) says:
*:\
*FUCK
*LAR
*LIFE
*CANT
*BE
*THAT SIMPLE
*FOR ME
*UNDERSTAND?
*im not
*going
*to punch in
*and punch out
Eternal ruler says:
*it is :DDDDDDDDDDDD
dick. (W) says:
*and suckin up to bob
*marryin a beyotch
*havin seven kids
*givin up and growing old and hoping there's a god
*u fucking understand?
*im going to be a fucking billionaire
*and people will crane necks
*to get a glimpse of me and see if i am having sex?
*and studying my fucking  move to try and understand why i am so unlike the other fuckers in this land
Eternal ruler says:
*lol
*what

Troublemaker

Put me in a special school
'Cause I am such a fool
And I don't need a single book to teach me how to read
Who needs stupid books?
They are for petty crooks
And I will learn by studyin' the lessons in my dreams



I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up



I'm such a mystery
As anyone can see
There isn't anybody else exactly quite like me
And when it's party time
Like 1999
I'll party by myself because I'm such a special guy

die die die

Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

thing is, i did not go to skool today

1:25 pm: I go to my creative writing class and get into the computer lab across the hallway to type my work up/surf the internet. Everything’s pretty normal so far.
1:40 p.m.: Lockdown alarm goes off and we all stare at each other, momentarily confused. Then we all decide it was a drill and we all go back to working/surfing internet.
1:41 p.m.: Janitor comes through and tells us we should get back to our classroom and stay away from windows. That’s hard, as an entire wall of our classroom is a window, so we all make do by sitting in the corridor with the rest of our class and our teacher.
1:45 p.m.: I overhear all sorts of rumors from my classmates and decide to do a little investigating of my own. I text a few of my friends, asking what they know. I get told to put away my phone, because apparently it can attract terrorists/fire/crazy gunmen. I continue to text, as a couple of friends sitting next to me throw Coke bottles at each other to keep themselves entertained.
1:47 p.m.: From the replies I got, I’ve worked out that there is a gun involved and the police have locked down our school. This is getting kind of weird…
1:50 p.m.: From watching the news, I've come to the conclusion that if we were in an American school, we’d all have been shot by the deranged student wondering the corridors. It reminds me of an episode of Silent Witness, and I ponder that for a while.
1:54 p.m.: I’ve started to imagine I’m a bad-a** secret agent who can take down anyone I want. In my fantasy, I take out my gun, which hidden up a leg of my jeans, do multiple army rolls to get down the corrider, and then have a stand off with the crazy gunman, who is ready to shoot everyone. I cleverly shoot at his arm so he drops the gun. Grateful police officers run in, cuff him, and call me a hero. It’s a good daydream, but it doesn’t distract me for long.
1:58 p.m.: The vice principal comes on over the speakers and asks if a certain person would get to the front office. (Let's call him "John Smith" for the purpose of this blog. Not to be confused with the gorgeous hunk from Pocahontas.) We all laugh in relief, because if there was a serious gun threat, they probably wouldn’t ask him to get to the front office. John Smith is in a couple of my classes and never really seemed that bright, so somehow I’m not too surprised he’s involved in this.
2:07 p.m.: A teacher comes around and tells us to get to the school's main hall immediately. When we get there, I find my other friends and we fill each other in on what we know. Unfortunately, none of us know anything, so this doesn’t help much. We end up sitting around and gossiping.
2:17 p.m.: We find the janitor who always knows everything that’s going on, and ask him what’s been happening. Apparently this John Smith brought a BB gun to school and left it in his car. The alarm was raised when it was spotted by a teacher.
2:30 p.m.: After what seems like sitting around for forever, we are all allowed out. I consider going to my next class, Psychology, or sitting around and waiting to be picked up by my dad. I decide to against going to class.
2:32 p.m.: A couple of friends and me watch the police talk to John Smith in the parking lot. We discuss how silly this whole thing was until my dad comes.
2:40 p.m.: Dad asks me if anything interesting happened at school today. For once I have a good response!

Shut the fuck up and listen/Watch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33NfoMS7U88&

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm not sure

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

stories for you, truths for me

I'm not gonna type this with much grammar or consistency or whatever because I'm just fucking ugh I don't even know I'm sick of this fucking dream I'm sick of seeing the number 444 everywhere in my life, I'm sick of the urges to do more and more horrible things all under veils as if it's all practice and routine for some kind of.... don't even know

when I was 15 I had the same exact dream for 2 months straight, about a week break, and then one more month

after that time I had it in pockets of about a week or two at a time, randomly - I've just woken from it again, that same fucking exact same fucking GOSDak .mfdlkasjdf FUCKING DREAM and it makes me go crazy, absolutely crazy because I know I'll be having it for like another 2 weeks now - it always stays it's always here it's always bubbling up to the fucking surface waiting and knowing and I feel it at all times of the day, that solid standing always.... fucking.... I have no more goosebumps to shiver out, I just.....


in this dream the archangel Gabriel collects me and we have a conversation - this is all the dream is

we do not speak, he wraps me in his massive wings and I embrace him as if I love him (but the feeling is so so extreme, I can't possibly explain it - it is a pure love, a true true love, a respect and a fear, I can't explain)

his wings surround me and they are all I know, the condition is dominating and my life becomes the message

as I said there are no words, the flitting of his wings form complex texture designs that communicate a language of feelings to me... I do not know why I know these things and yet even in waking I can put feelings to textures and complex 3D designs, they have associated meanings and ideas and feelings to me, I can draw and try to explain them

anyways what he communicates to me is that it is my burden and yet not my shame, to not be afraid and to know that I am what must occur by fate, I am fulfilled of 11/13 prophecies as the shell of what may become the antichrist, the 2nd christ, the christ which is the same christ born anew to take of what he has given and return those rightful to the kingdom, yet it is my burden to bear this ill against humanity as I once carried this burden away from humanity..... the feelings and associations and meanings in the dream are things that run so unexplainably deep - this dream is like nothing else in my life and it's driving me insane, it's so true and GOOD feeling (that's what's REALLY scary - the dream feels fucking GOOD, I feel relief and SAFETY, I feel TRUTH, purity, wholeness, understanding......) and I wake up and I can look at it with human logic and I am afraid... I feel insane, I feel... wrong for feeling right in this dream

it blurs to me in my waking life, I know what will finalize the 2 prophecies and my life is inexplixably drawn towards those conditions..... I feel a yearning for certain things and I see things, I feel things in the places there are none, I feel comfort in the absolute black of night when others taste fear, I see the faces as my imagination conjures horrible horrible things in the blackness but they feel GOOD to me, the bodies lying in ditches along the sides of dark roads, the waking eyes, the souls connected to shrines, crisp chill....... what scares me of it all is that I AM NOT, this dream... this damn dream

everything in my life brings me to this, I've done unspeakable things... unspeakable. and I am hidden, and I can raise no call to what I have done no matter how unsafe I am of them my hiding is perfect, my features all underneath a perfect shell, a perfect life, guiding me towards a position of trusted power and then what and then what

Nothing in life scares me. Except myself. I don't want to be the antichrist. I don't want to be insane. I don't like any of the options I'm seeing here and yet i have no choice but to walk ever nearer to them

iv become so numb

Honestly? After a while, you become numb to it. You realize that there's a reason people don't wanna be around you, and that you're worthless and you'd only weigh people down. Sounds kinda harsh, but after you get over that...you just kinda exist. You fill the holes as best you can with whatever distractions you choose, and you just live your days out. S'how I've been for longer than I care to remember.

cool.

http://lab.andre-michelle.com/pulsate

Monday, July 26, 2010

REBUTTLE

"-Violence is not merely killing another. It is violence when we use a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person, when we obey because there is fear. So violence isn't merely organized butchery in the name of God, in the name of society or country. Violence is much more subtle, much deeper, and we are inquiring into the very depths of violence "

A word of violent connotation isn't necessarily a feat of violence. I can call you a fucking dickhead right now, but by no means am I being far more destructive than to have been able to bleed you. They are merely words, and in the end made-up human tools. If you want to be truly subjective, then words, and violence mean nothing to begin with- As everything is playing on the part of human impulse, which is on the level of animal instinct. Violence is easily discernible, because we can be objective to it when we consider the sake of our social integrity. Violence wouldn't be violence if it were happening in the jungle between tribes of undressed chimps, it would simply be nature again.

"-I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. "

I take it this statement is some weird attempt to secure your initial point of discussion as some unmovable natural law in an impenetrable ivory tower of super-intelligence. Boring, and overall meaningless.

"-Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay "

There is nothing wrong with security. You might not let yourself be alert to the anxieties of impending danger, or worsening changes, but security brings to many people comfort, and comfort brings with it relax, and with relax comes the peace to be able to let perspectives remain uninterrupted by such fears. Your eyes of the world let windows to the very thoughts of animals.

People of tradition in themselves are never unoccupied to engage the idea of fear, or decay, because they are productive of themselves. They have little issues with the world around them, and it is their traditions that let most of them accept a linear happiness with what they are raised to know. In summation, they are truly in cyclical peace.

"-The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear "

There is nothing wrong with fear. You yourself are made fearful to have inspired the belief that beliefs with them are born from fear. Fear is a natural part of most every animal's essence. It's a tool to survive, and better perceive the world around it, for better, or for worse.

"-A man who is not afraid is not aggressive, a man who has no sense of fear of any kind is really a free, a peaceful man. "

This is wrong, as any creature without fear can not look toward any feelings of consequence, you said man, though, which doubly represents a danger than any man without fear could in turn be more hurtful to others, and interrupt them aggressively without standings of consequence in his mind. A man without fear is a man without complete conscious. This man can't perceive danger without fear, and a fearless man is a man reckless to his impulses, impulse is a leap of blind faith. Potentially more dangerous than an utterly fearful man.

"-Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom. "

Freedom is an abstract, "Freedom" is another made-up human word. We are all truly born free, it is simply the fear of consequence, or generally ignorant happiness which keeps most of us from exercising the true freedom to express any impulse, ideal, and action we choose. Freedom in this point you make is meaningless, it holds no bar of engagement. Freedom itself is such an openly subjective idea it's as free, and ghostly as any cloud in the sky. Love is a reaction, it is itself a reaction based on chemicals, environment, and perceptions. I can love you, if for a moment, if you do something nice for me. Now, whether I like you or not is a more important facet to a long-term component of ever lasting love.

"- If we can really understand the problem, the answer will come out of it, because the answer is not separate from the problem ”

2+2 = 4

"-In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself."

I can teach you that 2+2 = 4! In fact, most people will learn of themselves a perception of the World to help them identify their own answers coupled to what they are taught from those around them, it's a culmination of what we learn, and of what we make of this knowledge ourselves. We might not be let this idea on a silver plate from others, but they could very well help us set the table when we're done in the kitchen.

"-A consistent thinker is a thoughtless person, because he conforms to a pattern; he repeats phrases and thinks in a groove. "

Consistent thinkers master a path of human perspective in the integrity of their vast engagements of experience in whatever linear feeling they are possessed to attach themselves to. Then again, it can be said that any idle person will be thrown between every feeling in the aimless wander of an unoccupied mind. A person can feel elated to whatever truth they have worked towards in endless contemplation. A consistent thinker is a lord of feelings.

"-There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning."

Something most everyone knows in one way, or another.

"-All ideologies are idiotic, whether religious or political, for it is conceptual thinking, the conceptual word, which has so unfortunately divided man. "

You're wrong again, there is nothing threatening about most ideologies, be it religious, or political. In fact, conceptual thinking would work fine if it weren't for still rampant animal impulses which inspire more than almost every motive and desire in us. Be it for "I want more" or "This person makes me feel threatened" every "poor" reaction to the sake of an ideology could have been made all the same but to the beat of a different excuse, as in the end it was all riding on the impulse of an animal instinct we have all yet still to accept of ourselves. We are still very animal, and the true practice of perfect ideology might be a tool of training to help ourselves move forward from this.

If a man could truly turn a cheek to another man without the slightest fraction of hidden remorse to their transgressions, we might all move forward together hand in hand to call one another family, and thus set aside perceptions which might have continued to hold us back from advancing as a civilization. It will be the facets of understanding, reason, and forgiveness which will help us move forward as a people.

"-The description is not the described; I can describe the mountain, but the description is not the mountain, and if you are caught up in the description, as most people are, then you will never see the mountain"

I can see the mountain by the virtue that I can describe the mountain of it's geography, and possibly it's history. Where are you even going with this statement? What does it even mean? It sounds like a poor attempt to show some deeper understanding of what's truly there, which is simply, a mountain- And that in itself could be the deepest understanding of all. To know truly that there is only the mountain there.

"-The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. "

You will discover that YOU are transformed. The world around you only changes to the rhythm of a cyclical beat unchanged, if simply challenging to our short understandings. 

"-It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. "

That's just your own fearful belief, imagine if our society were a jungle somewhere, or desert plains. We are all the animals. We are acting no different truthfully than the animals do, and it won't be until we've grown up a little more as a species that we'll probably abandon the notion that "We are sick" when we're actually just working naturally to the pace of any of our other cousins on the planet.

The only difference is that we talk, and dress funny, and try to cheat death more often than they do really

Facscists

MAIN POINT :
What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

Hitler and Mussolini were only the primary spokesmen for the attitude of domination and craving for power that are in the heart of almost everyone. Until the source is cleared, there will always be confusion and hate, wars and class antagonisms. 


Side Points

-Violence is not merely killing another. It is violence when we use a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person, when we obey because there is fear. So violence isn't merely organized butchery in the name of God, in the name of society or country. Violence is much more subtle, much deeper, and we are inquiring into the very depths of violence.

-I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. 

-Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay

-The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear

-A man who is not afraid is not aggressive, a man who has no sense of fear of any kind is really a free, a peaceful man.

-Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.

- If we can really understand the problem, the answer will come out of it, because the answer is not separate from the problem”

-In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.

-All ideologies are idiotic, whether religious or political, for it is conceptual thinking, the conceptual word, which has so unfortunately divided man. 

-A consistent thinker is a thoughtless person, because he conforms to a pattern; he repeats phrases and thinks in a groove. 

-There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning. 

-The description is not the described; I can describe the mountain, but the description is not the mountain, and if you are caught up in the description, as most people are, then you will never see the mountain

-The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. 

-It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. 

DUGS

I've noticed that you shows more affection towards animals than people. Is it because your stunted emotional capacity won't allow you to open yourself up to the potential emotional rejection entailed by affection towards people, that animals can't reject you so that you pour you stored up love onto them?

let me leave the country plx.

Attention: Officer (In charge)
Immigration & Checkpoints Authority
ICA Building
10, Kallang Road # 08-00
Singapore 208718


Re: Appealing for Permanent Residence status
Date:_________
Dear Sir,
With Reference to my subject application for Permanent Residence status in Singapore, I am really sorry to receive your rejection letter ref: ___________ dated ________2010. And hereby wish to plead an appeal
It has been the utmost desire of my family to be in Singapore. After living here for 20 years and having 2 kids, who have been studying here ever since birth. We have tried numerous times and we really consider ourselves Singaporeans at heart. I have watched my kids grow up with a sense of attachment to the country I only wish that we could all as a family be together. We have even bought our own home here, in the hopes that it will better my chance to be closer to my family. Our application attempts have all been futile and we would really appreciate it if you would grant us this desire to be a permanent residence in Singapore. I respectfully request for reconsideration of our application for PR status and looking forward to receiving a favorable reply.


Your Faithfully,
FIN :__________
Date of Birth :
Phone :
Address :.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

pee

I'm fucking sick of dribbling that last tiny bit of piss on me
Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, pretty fucking sure you're done, put your dick away, and then BAM! Like 1 microliter of urine comes out and absorbs into a disproportionally large wet spot. 

american prison

I found this on another forum, and it is absolutely fascinating. This guy served 2 years in a Michigan prison for armed robbery. After being released, he writes about his experiences on an imageboard (not 4chan) that he frequented before going away. 

So I just got out of prison...and fuck it if I've forgotten how to work a mouse and hit the submit button too soon.

Shit has changed. So many boards now. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Where do I start? Two years inside and it's like the whole world has changed. Just wanted a board where things stayed the same.

I don't even recognize half the dickgirls on /di/ anymore. Has the whole world grown tits while I was gone? And who the fuck if Justin Bieber?

Is. Is Justin Bieber. Lost my ability to spell. I get out and first thing I see is that little homie has a tattoo, but I don't even know who this little homie is. My cable got canceled while I was away, so I can't even find out. Thank fuck for wireless internet, I swear to God it's faster now too. Seriously, it's like I've traveled through time. Fucking iPads look like shit out of the future. Feels like I've missed a decade of shitty memes.

I was inside from July '08 until Tuesday this week. Feels like I've lost more than two years, like I've lost a decade or so.

This was my first time inside.

I was charged with armed robbery and got 18 months on a plea bargain. Got fucked on three parole hearings and ended up doing another four months. You hear of these guys who get out early because they were "model prisoners." I don't know how they do it.

So while I was inside I made a list of the worst things about prison to share with the boards I used to frequent. Seemed like any discussion of prison would be all like lolrape and no actual info for anons who might find themselves in my shitty situation.

So here it is, the top 10 worst things about prison that you never knew about:

10. The Smell

Prison smells like shit. Smells worse than shit. You know the smell you imagine jenkem http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenkem to smell like? Imagine that, only it's being rubbed on the arm pits of a sweaty Mexican and then his armpit pubes are being set fire too. It's that bad. No one flushes the fucking john. Ever. You know how clean prison looks in all the pictures? It is, because we spend all fucking day cleaning it. And then convicts just basically shit themselves for a laugh. I switched buses on the way back and sat next to this guy wearing cologne. I'm not gay (well, as not gay as you can be after being inside) but I got a boner as soon as I smelt it. Fucking amazing.

9. White people.

After the first year, I was ashamed to be white. In the world, white people are capable of all kinds of great things, and all kinds of bad things. But inside we're just universally cunts. Aryan Brotherhood weren't a big presence in my block, but they were bad enough to make you kind of wish your mother had been raped by a nigger. And that's before you meet your boss's. Correctional Services officers come in all flavours, but white screws were the worst. Black screws, you could tell were just poor niggers trying to get by in a shitty job. Only white guys ever seemed to enjoy their shit. Rape, despite the rumours, is not a big deal inside. It doesn't happen that often. But every time it happened on my block, it was a white guy. And every time anyone got murdered, it was a white guy. There were 33 murders while I was inside, 12 of them in my block. All because white cunts couldn't keep their dicks in their pants, or else 'cut someone's eyes' which was slang for stealing someone's shit. Being black in prison would have been awesome.

8. Getting fat.

There is no gym equipment in prison. That whole, 'bunch of guys sitting around pumping iron' image you have? Forget it. Gym equipment is a weapon, and weapons are forbidden. Our block had one treadmill that would occasionally work. You couple that with high fat food, all day, everyday, you start to go flabby really quickly. One of the things that occupies a lot convict's days is finding someway to try and do some physical activity. After about six months I could feel my muscle mass going, so me and my cellmate would deadlift each other for a few hours. Gayest thing you've ever seen, but it filled in the time.

7. Solitary

I was fucking terrified of solitary confinement when I first went inside, which contributed to me behaving myself. Until I realized that solitary isn't something you can hold off by just not being a dick. It's a reality of life and you will, at some point, be put in solitary for no fucking reason at all. Usually, because there is a remand inmate that needs to be cycled into gen pop before trial and they need to free up your cell - so you go into solitary because there aren't any other beds. I did two months of that all up. No books, no blankets, no light, 23 hour lockdown. Most they can do is 1 week at a stretch - worst part was knowing you were going to go back after a week if the block was too over crowded. You spent your whole time in gen pop just anxious as fuck because you could get dragged off the chain at any moment and sent back.

6. The Drugs

After a while, drugs become a viable option inside. There is a lot on offer. If you can get it out in the world, you can get it inside - for a better price strangely enough, considering the difficulty of getting it in. That is if it is what your man says it is. I decided to get onto horse after a few months, mostly as something to do. I'd tried heroin outside, but hadn't liked it since getting on the nod seemed like a waste of time. But inside, it's great - a shot in solitary can make a week pass in no time at all. Problem is the shit it will be cut with. Flour, baking soda, jell-o crystals - all shit that should not be in a vein. After a while, you just end up doing things that outside, you never would have dreamed of. I was paranoid about getting the AIDS, so I kept this one needle the whole time I was inside. Went rusty and I ended up spending a month in sick bay with tetenus. When I couldn't score for junk, I scored for codeine tablets. Grew my thumb nail long and wrecked it on the concrete so it was sharp enough to cut open my thigh, and would stick the crushed up tablet inside.

Yeah, shit got that bad.



I joked to my cell mate on the first day that at least the GFC couldn't fuck us inside. He'd been done for assaulting a cop when his house got taken by the bank. But within months 'GFC Nigger' became the standard reply to any query as to how black market prices were suddenly going through the roof. The price of a deck of smokes tripled. There was an actual economic reason about this. I went away in Michigan, where a lot of people lost their houses, mostly poor people already. When they had to move away from the prison, it meant they couldn't bring their loved ones as much contraband group, which meant the price of what there was sky rocketed. And the worse things got, the more the people who worked in the store would wonk and take home with them, which meant stocks ran low which fucked us even further.

Bet you didn't read about that one in the Wall Street Journal.

4. Losing everyone you ever loved.

No one ever talks about this because prison makes you a hard ass. Or at least you teach yourself to think it does. The first ones to go are your friends. They tell you they'll write and send you stuff - take every friend you've ever had, now pick one. There will be one that actually does it. But they'll stop after a few months. Then your girlfriend - they might say they'll wait, but you know they won't. I called mine on my second week and told her it was over. Apart from the total shock of going away, I couldn't stand spending every night wondering if she was getting cranked by some other dude. Was one less thing to worry about. My kid, who was about to turn 1 when I went away, will never have any idea who the fuck I am. Her mom took her away the second I went inside. Never called. Don't even know where to begin looking. My Mom and Dad were the worst. They promised me when I went inside that they'd stick by me if I stuck by them, that all they wanted was the occasional phone call to let them know I was okay, and they'd make sure they visited regularly. I was so fucked up half the time I forgot when visiting day even was. I realized, and tried to tell the boss that I didn't want to see them, that I was too messed up. So the cunts dragged me by the hair through the block to the visiting room and propped me up on a chair in front of them and laughed. They never came back, and they haven't seen me since I got out.

3. Loneliness

An old timer told me that when he first went inside, in the 80s, prison was all about cliques. There were different gangs, people stuck together because of ethnicity, even religion. Back then there were Irish Catholic cliques, Nation of Islam cliques - even white collar guys started cliques to avoid getting stepped on.

One thing the boss' do very well is create an atmosphere of constant paranoia. If you get shaken down and you get contraband found on you, they'll stick you in solitary and finger your best friend for setting you up. If you come inside with a pre-existing gang affiliation, like a lot of black guys do, they start by stepping on your friends straight away and blaming you for it until you're a pariah. Forget about the yard being full of big groups of guys chilling together. No one hangs with anymore than three people for a stretch. If you're seen with a big group, you'll be targeted by the screws. Mostly, people do their time alone. Pacing the yard, or even just ignoring their cell mates completely.

That gets to you more than anything. The constant suspicion, and knowing you're alone.

2. Death

I saw 12 deaths inside. Three of them were at the hands of screws. One of those was a gunshot to the head while a guy was trying to escape. The other two were beatings, and I didn't know they'd died until later. It's not right to call a prison shanking a 'stabbing' because that's not how you die. Inside, we called it 'digging a hole' or 'digging a well' like 'he got a well dug in him' or 'pulled out a hole'. The reason for this is the make shift weapons used inside are not easy to kill with. You basically make a hole as fast as you can, by stabbing as fast as you can, and then you try and get a grip inside it and just start pulling. I saw this right up close one time. I had the distinct misfortune of having my cell behind a pillar, like a bulkhead kind of thing in the middle of the block. So if you wanted to shank someone, it was a great place to hide. On the flip side, it meant the boss' gave it a lot of extra attention, which was bad for rubbing one out or taking a hit. Two guys were loitering around the pillar one day, waiting for this fresh kid to wander past. Prison gossip said he's been worked over on his first night by someone who wanted him for a wife, but the kid fought back and nearly bit some fucker's nuts off. So his friends wait with a t-shirt, and a filed down toothbrush. They've cracked down on plastic toothbrushes, but there used to be enough of them that a lot of guys have them stashed away. You can file down the ends on the concrete to a point. One guy wrapped a t-shirt around the kid's neck and lifted him off the ground from behind, and the other starts stabbing his gut. After a few stabs, he starts trying to get his fingers inside and he just pulls all this meat out. I thought he was going to pull out his intestines like you'd see in a horror movie, but instead, he just pulls out fist after fist of this yellow jelly shit, and then big hunks of meat like raw mince. Screw's arrived and tasered everyone. Even the kid. He was on his side, right in front of my cell, and every jolt from the taser made the big hole in his stomach smoke.

You don't see something like that and not have it fuck you up worse than you already were for being incarcerated.

1. Getting Out

On my last day I started writing this list in my head, and thought it would be funny to post it on the Chans. But really, now I've written it, it's not funny. For lols, I was originally going to talk about prison rape. But really? It's a small part of doing time. On any given block, you might only have a dozen or so convicts who are likely to rape someone. And they go after the same kind of convicts every time too. Because if you try to rape the wrong guy... you might end up with your guts pulled out.

That's not to say consensual gay sex doesn't happen. I had it, and I enjoyed it. I'm not going to go and fuck a man on the outside, but a combination of drugs, loneliness and boredom do strange things.

So instead of rape, the thing that tops my list was getting out. After 18 months, I felt like I had the whole prison kick down. I felt like I belonged. New guys looked up to me, like someone who'd seen shit and made it through. As I scaled back on my pretty huge habit, I started to get this kind of zen calm about incarceration, and I liked to think I helped a few guys through their first weeks.

The last months before I left was the happiest of my entire life. I started making lists, like this one. Lists of what I was going to do. Lists of things I was going to eat. Lists of places I was going to go. I almost felt like I'd had a near death experience, and now I had to live a better life. Then I left.

Two years is a long time. The world literally changes without you. I got off the bus and went to my favourite bar. It was empty. I went to a cafe my friends used to touch dicks at. None of them were there. I went to my house, pulled the boards off and went inside. Everything was just as I'd left it with two years worth of dust. Most depressing thing you've ever seen. I lay down on my bed and paranoia started setting in. I realized I was pretty much squatting and was paranoid about being picked up by the cops and breaching my parole, so I went to my parents house. They let me in, but told me I couldn't stay until they were sure I was off the drugs. I checked into a motel and sat on the edge of the bed, watching MTV and ordering Pizza. I must have ordered like five pizzas from five different places, stayed up till dawn. Thing about prison, is that sleep becomes like a chore you do each day. You're never really tired, so you never really want to sleep, it just breaks up the time. I felt like I didn't want to sleep ever again. Next morning I decided to go for a drive, and thought I'd rent a car - but my driver's license had expired. I went to get a new one, but because I'd been inside they needed me to get a letter from my parole officer. So I just wandered around for a day. Felt like everyone was staring at me.

You just feel completely lost.

Best Songs to bus ride to

I'm talking about late-night, thought-provoking long bus rides when the roads seem to stretch on endlessly and all the bullshit in life is cut away, if only for the ride.

Keep in mind, there's always good listening music, but not everything is good bus music ;)

Rock/Alternative:

Pink Floyd - Us and Them
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlY-JlE5ZCo

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx3m4e45bTo

Kings of Leon - Cold Desert
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWkYu-hYTZs

The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxKjOOR9sPU

Broken Bells - The High Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mkr19RSG6k

Kasabian - Underdog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw09tAcNB0Q

Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w7OgIMMRc4

Rap:

Trae & Hawk - Swang
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFCY1RIZ-WA

Snoop Doggy Dogg - Ain't No Fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th0V-fxo9CE

Eminem - Superman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WYO5EGTY-o

Nas - Last Real Nigga Alive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcgEUJ3rTK8

2pac - All About You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx1Fg0Fmazo

Reggae/Uplifting:

Rox - Rocksteady
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeVsFaqRgts

Barrington Levy - Sweet Reggae Music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cKG2dveMUo

Electronic/Alternative Dance:

Friendly Fires - Skeleton Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyA8zfouG4Y

Empire of the Sun - We Are The People
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a47Y1lCRHlM

Royksopp - Remind Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rq-KyGpNN0Y

Gorillaz - Stylo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9vAOzYz-Qs

Delphic - Counterpoint
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHhmyyahh4s

Classic:

Michael Jackson - Rock With You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5X-Mrc2l1d0

Stevie Wonder - Cherie Amour
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OlG2ek-wzs

R&B:

Jagged Edge - Goodbye
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXJgrr6BhnI

Trey Songz - Can't Help But Wait
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF_JBlSh_G8

Chill/Ambient:

Bluemind - Really (this one's extra chilly)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbueSRlxtGY

Orbital - Halcyon On and On
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV-hSgL1R74

House/Trance:

Reflekt Feat. Delline Bass - Need To Feel Loved (Adam K & Soha Mix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhv76ZwV8P0&videos=psEZQ-JOqeg

RAM - RAMsterdam (Jorn van Deynhoven Remix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmFCxv7qqSM

Paul Van Dyk Feat. Giuseppe Ottaviani - Far Away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIk3ZtsjwvM

DnB:

Chase & Status Feat. Plan B - Pieces
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MJspL232c8

London Elektricity - Just One Second (Apex Remix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGNDlLiVBK0&videos=sVPlKOngJmQ

80's:

Tears For Fears - Head Over Heels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMBbJ_l0Tb4

Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAN9sKlOZxE

Folk:

Bibio - Ambivalence Avenue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgGsnYpT3zg