I'm not gonna type this with much grammar or consistency or whatever because I'm just fucking ugh I don't even know I'm sick of this fucking dream I'm sick of seeing the number 444 everywhere in my life, I'm sick of the urges to do more and more horrible things all under veils as if it's all practice and routine for some kind of.... don't even know
when I was 15 I had the same exact dream for 2 months straight, about a week break, and then one more month
after that time I had it in pockets of about a week or two at a time, randomly - I've just woken from it again, that same fucking exact same fucking GOSDak .mfdlkasjdf FUCKING DREAM and it makes me go crazy, absolutely crazy because I know I'll be having it for like another 2 weeks now - it always stays it's always here it's always bubbling up to the fucking surface waiting and knowing and I feel it at all times of the day, that solid standing always.... fucking.... I have no more goosebumps to shiver out, I just.....
in this dream the archangel Gabriel collects me and we have a conversation - this is all the dream is
we do not speak, he wraps me in his massive wings and I embrace him as if I love him (but the feeling is so so extreme, I can't possibly explain it - it is a pure love, a true true love, a respect and a fear, I can't explain)
his wings surround me and they are all I know, the condition is dominating and my life becomes the message
as I said there are no words, the flitting of his wings form complex texture designs that communicate a language of feelings to me... I do not know why I know these things and yet even in waking I can put feelings to textures and complex 3D designs, they have associated meanings and ideas and feelings to me, I can draw and try to explain them
anyways what he communicates to me is that it is my burden and yet not my shame, to not be afraid and to know that I am what must occur by fate, I am fulfilled of 11/13 prophecies as the shell of what may become the antichrist, the 2nd christ, the christ which is the same christ born anew to take of what he has given and return those rightful to the kingdom, yet it is my burden to bear this ill against humanity as I once carried this burden away from humanity..... the feelings and associations and meanings in the dream are things that run so unexplainably deep - this dream is like nothing else in my life and it's driving me insane, it's so true and GOOD feeling (that's what's REALLY scary - the dream feels fucking GOOD, I feel relief and SAFETY, I feel TRUTH, purity, wholeness, understanding......) and I wake up and I can look at it with human logic and I am afraid... I feel insane, I feel... wrong for feeling right in this dream
it blurs to me in my waking life, I know what will finalize the 2 prophecies and my life is inexplixably drawn towards those conditions..... I feel a yearning for certain things and I see things, I feel things in the places there are none, I feel comfort in the absolute black of night when others taste fear, I see the faces as my imagination conjures horrible horrible things in the blackness but they feel GOOD to me, the bodies lying in ditches along the sides of dark roads, the waking eyes, the souls connected to shrines, crisp chill....... what scares me of it all is that I AM NOT, this dream... this damn dream
everything in my life brings me to this, I've done unspeakable things... unspeakable. and I am hidden, and I can raise no call to what I have done no matter how unsafe I am of them my hiding is perfect, my features all underneath a perfect shell, a perfect life, guiding me towards a position of trusted power and then what and then what
Nothing in life scares me. Except myself. I don't want to be the antichrist. I don't want to be insane. I don't like any of the options I'm seeing here and yet i have no choice but to walk ever nearer to them
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