It's like an onion, layers and layers of knowledge hidden deep away within my subconcious and everyday I discover something great about myself, balanced by an extremely negative view of the world i operate within my head.
Don't get me wrong, this year's been amazing I've learnt so much from being away from people. It's incredible, like i'm finally recharging after years of being drained and used. I can only ever be myself when no one else is around. It's the only time there is no risk of intimidating anyone.
Why? i don't know why that is, when i'm forced to be within a group of people and deal with a conversation I rarely say anything, instead I just stand and stare nodding in agreement/disagreement. People find it weird or strange. I understand I'm hard to talk to, I prefer to talk about something relevant. If it's a must it has to be something which can lead to an intense debate or argument instead of small talk. I have no interest in what people have to say about their stupid observations. I don't have much to say, the topic eventually dies fast and it gets extremely akward to the point where i'd rather not have said anything at all.
I move around with a "stay the fuck away from me" expression on my face without realizing it. It's more to do with the fact that I'm always deep in thought and less because I always consciously think "don't talk to me". People often look at me and think i'm lowering their self image during our encounter; apparently i appear to be radiating signals of "silent criticism", as if i'm picking them to pieces inside my head, and without mercy. -
iNteresting, observation - I seem to be better able to express myself under tremendous amounts of pressure and self controlled emotions. To begin with, my epiphany had nothing to do with me, but more of someone I was thinking about. Look how far I've strayed in a bid to release all these pent up frustrations within me. Sure I've got a blog that no one reads, what's the point? It's become more of my notebook where i keep notes I've taken an interest to. i don't even make it a point to allow people within me. And the only person I know that's holding the key to unlocking me isn't who I thought would have been.
took me 4 years to finally open myself up to my friend, an ENTP. Yet I don't even consider this person my bestfriend, no this is not who i was thinking about, just thought i'd mention it.
I think about things i really don't want to know. It's really random.
Sometimes I feel like a little lost child, sometimes I feel like the chosen one and Sometimes i wonder why I was ever born.
(25 minutes afterwards, lol shit i've written an entire self analysis, lol i'll probably delete this for fear of exposing myself to people. Being anonymous is good sometimes.)
yes i feel much better now after getting all that out.
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