I'm not wrong am I?
Help.
Help.
I yelp.
For i feel
the desire to
belt up my self
focus
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Let Loose.
So today, Kristie said, your blog is always emo.
Yeah i can't really say no , cause the reason why i have this blog here is because i'm too shy to ask for help or talk to anyone because i can't. I don't like to appear weak and dependent cause deep down inside i have to keep up this strong and hard appearance. The guy who's so macho and brave and strong at heart full of himself and emotionless. I basically pour out everything i would never say in real life into this blog. It's really my diary and the fact that i let people read my diary is like A REALLY BIG THING! Well yeah. I have yet to find that person that i can basically just tell EVERY SINGLE little detail to without feeling guilty or weak. And it really helps to be able to read the stuff i think about and look through it and come up with points on how to better myself.. ya right..
So Yeah, i really really know i have a split personality and i can get really extremely high at one point and super low the next minute. Bi Polar? Am i suffering from bipolar? Cos today i got really quiet and started walking alone and thinking really hard and long for a while letting my mind wander and stuff, i was in a daze i started walking backwards and felt extremely agitated irritated and annoyed. Pissed and down right fucked up.
The next moment i'm all high, dancing and talking smack and shit running my mouth really fast and loud, popping out all my different accents and doing weird shit, not being able to walk straight and slipping. Getting my tongue tied. Estatic about nothing. I fucking hate it when i feel like this. I can't control myself my sub conscious tells me to stop and behave myself, but i can't do anything. I start pulling my hair and cracking my head trying to get a grip on reality and stay straight. It's insane i tell you. I'm suffering deep down inside i'm sick in the head i'm mental. I'm delusional, i'm out of control. I need medical help, i need professional help but i can't seek one out of fear, i don't want people to think i'm some kind of sicko psycho mental kid. I just want to be fucking normal.
I feel really shit about today, about the way i act, behaved and the things i said today. I'm really sorry Kristie. Damn sorry i fucked things up tonight. This is probably the first time you see me this way i hope it'll be the last. I wanted to leave halfway, go home but i couldn't cause there was no bus and i really think cabbing home is a total waste of money. I desperately tried talking myself into leaving. I don't want you to see me this way when i'm all fucked up, it's not nice. I don't want ANYONE to see me when i behave that way to be honest. I hope what i did today doesn't affect anyway you think of me. Ya?
Fuck lar
srsly.
i rly rly feel damn fucked up now.
I want you bad, you bad
I'm the boy who pursues you. The one who wants to make an ordinary moment seem magical; the kind of boy who wants to bring out the best in you and make you want to be a better person. The boy who wants to be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances are. I am the boy who wants to make you smile like no other boy makes you smile, and when i smile you know i need you. I am the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are sweating and have no makeup on, but i will appreciate it when you get all dolled up for me. And most of all i want to put you at the centre of my universe, because obviously you're at the centre of mine.
So why do you not want me?
What's wrong with me?
= \
Just got to let loose.
So why do you not want me?
What's wrong with me?
= \
Just got to let loose.
She Was Mine
It's only Physically but know that you'll be on my mind, 24 hours all the time.
Cause in my eyes you were mine.
No matter where you go
I wont be very far
Cause in my head you'll be right there where you are.
Cause Love has no distance baby.
Not when it comes to you and me.
But in my eyes,she's still mine
I know it sounds so stupid to be waiting this long
But i'm still in love, and i know i'm not wrong
Cause in my eyes, she was mine.
You Were Mine
But Only in my Mind.
Cause in my eyes you were mine.
No matter where you go
I wont be very far
Cause in my head you'll be right there where you are.
Cause Love has no distance baby.
Not when it comes to you and me.
But in my eyes,she's still mine
I know it sounds so stupid to be waiting this long
But i'm still in love, and i know i'm not wrong
Cause in my eyes, she was mine.
You Were Mine
But Only in my Mind.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Silence, i said Silence
It's been 3 days so far.
3 days after the holidays.
3 days of having a good look at her face again.
3 days of extreme agony and pain.
3 days of frustration.
3 days of rage
3 days of confusion.
3 days of akwardness.
3 days of school.
more importantly
3 days of silence.
Yes silence, she has not spoken a word to me yet. What I mean is basic conversation, she hasn't started a conversation with me at all. No, How was the Paper? No, How was your Holiday? No, Hi. No, Byes.
I have to start a conversation with her all the bloody time and i always get short responses like, yeah okay it was alright. Then she turns around and starts talking animatedly to Furqan, going on and on and ranting about stuff, laughing out loud, giggling and hitting him and stuff. It hurts, it hurts to know that you do no wish to speak to me. I tried, i tried to talk to you. Don't call me a pussy, Fuck you. You're so childish Immature and so demanding, I cannot understand what the fuck you are trying to do? What the fuck do you want me from me? You have no idea how much pain i'm in every time i'm around you guys. I just end up pulling out my ear plugs and listening to a songs. It's way better than hearing conversations that i have no say in, I can't relate to you guys for shit.
I'd very much like to leave the group and hang out with other people in class but i cannot, it'll just make me look weak. I can't look weak i have my pride my ego. I can't lose face. And besides the whole fucking class is full of girls, Do you have any fucking idea how akward it would be for me to hang out with a bunch of girls all the bloody time? Exactly...
I'm tired. I'm fed up.
What the fuck do you want from me? What do you want me to do! I'm suffering every single minute in school.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before, at least it's much better than it is now. Looking at you is just so fucking akward. Why do you have to play mind games with me?
3 days after the holidays.
3 days of having a good look at her face again.
3 days of extreme agony and pain.
3 days of frustration.
3 days of rage
3 days of confusion.
3 days of akwardness.
3 days of school.
more importantly
3 days of silence.
Yes silence, she has not spoken a word to me yet. What I mean is basic conversation, she hasn't started a conversation with me at all. No, How was the Paper? No, How was your Holiday? No, Hi. No, Byes.
I have to start a conversation with her all the bloody time and i always get short responses like, yeah okay it was alright. Then she turns around and starts talking animatedly to Furqan, going on and on and ranting about stuff, laughing out loud, giggling and hitting him and stuff. It hurts, it hurts to know that you do no wish to speak to me. I tried, i tried to talk to you. Don't call me a pussy, Fuck you. You're so childish Immature and so demanding, I cannot understand what the fuck you are trying to do? What the fuck do you want me from me? You have no idea how much pain i'm in every time i'm around you guys. I just end up pulling out my ear plugs and listening to a songs. It's way better than hearing conversations that i have no say in, I can't relate to you guys for shit.
I'd very much like to leave the group and hang out with other people in class but i cannot, it'll just make me look weak. I can't look weak i have my pride my ego. I can't lose face. And besides the whole fucking class is full of girls, Do you have any fucking idea how akward it would be for me to hang out with a bunch of girls all the bloody time? Exactly...
I'm tired. I'm fed up.
What the fuck do you want from me? What do you want me to do! I'm suffering every single minute in school.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before, at least it's much better than it is now. Looking at you is just so fucking akward. Why do you have to play mind games with me?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
good morning
Take a look at the video, ignore the music if you hate it but the video really has alot of meaning
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