Yeah i can't really say no , cause the reason why i have this blog here is because i'm too shy to ask for help or talk to anyone because i can't. I don't like to appear weak and dependent cause deep down inside i have to keep up this strong and hard appearance. The guy who's so macho and brave and strong at heart full of himself and emotionless. I basically pour out everything i would never say in real life into this blog. It's really my diary and the fact that i let people read my diary is like A REALLY BIG THING! Well yeah. I have yet to find that person that i can basically just tell EVERY SINGLE little detail to without feeling guilty or weak. And it really helps to be able to read the stuff i think about and look through it and come up with points on how to better myself.. ya right..
So Yeah, i really really know i have a split personality and i can get really extremely high at one point and super low the next minute. Bi Polar? Am i suffering from bipolar? Cos today i got really quiet and started walking alone and thinking really hard and long for a while letting my mind wander and stuff, i was in a daze i started walking backwards and felt extremely agitated irritated and annoyed. Pissed and down right fucked up.
The next moment i'm all high, dancing and talking smack and shit running my mouth really fast and loud, popping out all my different accents and doing weird shit, not being able to walk straight and slipping. Getting my tongue tied. Estatic about nothing. I fucking hate it when i feel like this. I can't control myself my sub conscious tells me to stop and behave myself, but i can't do anything. I start pulling my hair and cracking my head trying to get a grip on reality and stay straight. It's insane i tell you. I'm suffering deep down inside i'm sick in the head i'm mental. I'm delusional, i'm out of control. I need medical help, i need professional help but i can't seek one out of fear, i don't want people to think i'm some kind of sicko psycho mental kid. I just want to be fucking normal.
I feel really shit about today, about the way i act, behaved and the things i said today. I'm really sorry Kristie. Damn sorry i fucked things up tonight. This is probably the first time you see me this way i hope it'll be the last. I wanted to leave halfway, go home but i couldn't cause there was no bus and i really think cabbing home is a total waste of money. I desperately tried talking myself into leaving. I don't want you to see me this way when i'm all fucked up, it's not nice. I don't want ANYONE to see me when i behave that way to be honest. I hope what i did today doesn't affect anyway you think of me. Ya?
Fuck lar
srsly.
i rly rly feel damn fucked up now.
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