i feel retarded and all alone

I try to find the path less travelled by, but most days the path isn't even there to begin with.

I had to put myself through so much misery just to obtain this worthless piece of shit, was it really worth all the struggle and self inflicted pain i caused myself? All the hate that i dissipated, the manipulation and deception, living in isolation within the self imposed prison in my head, the sacrifices i had to endure. Ignoring and putting down those around me who showed the slightest bit of concern about my welfare and emotional well being? What a fucking selfish, self narcissistic obnoxious bastard. Was it really worth all that trouble? Yes I hate my existence but what i hate the most is wanting to not hate my existence. Oh the irony. The signs of a troubled mind. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I fucking hate everyone. and FUCK YOU TOO. No, i'm not suicidal but i wish i was.

written on August 23 2011 9:43PM +8GMT 1:44AM +12GMT

I have met plenty of interesting people in my time. As an ExxP, I seek strive for meeting and getting to know people of different cultures, styles, personalities, ways to see the world. BUT... the most interesting people I have ever come in contact with have all been INTJs. Just realizing they were INTJs was exhilarating!

INTJs are fascinating. They are. It's not just the depth, the brilliance, the structure, the interest in things that are actually interesting and relevant (!), it's them on the whole: the mindblowing, incredibly rare combination of elements, flaws and all.

You see, the connection between mature ENFPs and INTJs who share similar values and interests is in a league of its own. Nothing compares. Ever.

That said, I have been in a serious relationship with an INTJ only once. It was the most intense and enriching experience of my life. And it also destroyed me to pieces when it ended. Much as it pains me to admit it, I can't blame him for it. We ended as 'friends', but when you live something as intense as what we had, staying in touch is the last thing you need: it doesn't allow you to heal. I still think of him sometimes, wonder if he is happy, if he thinks of me.

... and I'm rambling. Sorry.

What I'm trying to say is: even if it ended, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Yes, yes I would.

M&M&M

Afraid, that's what I initially felt. I didn't want to get any closer because I hated dealing with emotions; they were too complex and confusing for me. I dream allot yes but when it comes to serious situations, I focus on logic. This is the barrier.

When I first saw you, I thought to myself, wow not the average lot my mum usually brings home. Nevertheless I didn't pay you any mind, I focused on my gaming and was content with living in the current moment. Never did I think you'd make such an impact in my life. When I was asked to help you with your iPod, I did so willingly because I sincerely from the bottom of my heart liked helping people out. Never did I think I'd actually imagine doing everything I possibly can for you. That smile on your face when I told you about installous and all the amazing freebies, I was perplexed and astounded at how easily you could be happy about something so trivial and easy it registered my head as 'so simple'. Never did I thought, I would ever have the possibility / chance of making your life happy. You asked for my Facebook, I contemplated telling you; I didn't want someone I didn't know intruding into my personal space. After all I was still recovering from a heartbreaking year. Never did I think I was sub consciously creating a space for you in my melting stone cold heart.

You have a 6th sense with your ability to read people's feelings and understand them, however I could tell you couldn't do the same with me. I imagine you thought there was something different about this one, he's unreadable, I was strong, rigid and emotionless at times I imagine you might have felt hurt. For that I'm sorry. I read you well, you were different. I haven't met much people like you before. Only a few, and I tend to block them out as soon as I understand what's going on. I did the same with you; at least I tried really hard to. I took a step back, I had to, I had to analyze what was going on and I tried as hard as I could to ignore you but I could not. My assessment of the situation yielded both negative and positive results, you were an awesome candidate you'd fit the bill but there was so much standing in between us. My heart grew softer that day but my mind toughened up. I told myself that I was silly for behaving this way and constantly reminded myself that this is not right, this is not right.

You were so hard to resist, that constant cheerful smile on your face, your upbeat enthusiastic approach to the things I had to say. I didn't know how to react, I had dreams of you lots of them in one of them I dreamt I wont the lottery (which you told me to buy on fb back in Dec) and I went around the world with you. I woke up in the morning thinking to myself, what the heck man, what a weird dream. I tried to pass it off as something that I would do with any other female that I had taken a liking to. Didn’t work.

Then we met again for the second time, god you looked stunning that night in your pink dress, grinning from ear to ear. I walked out of my room, not knowing what to do; you exclaimed, "I'm here!" You had me in a headlock. I had no idea how to react but I liked it, you made me feel good. When you brought me to that cafe, I was thinking to myself what am I doing, here I am a 19 year old hanging out with a bunch of grown ups, worst still they were my mum's friends (mind you I thought you were in your 20s (24 - 28). I enjoyed it; I admired your excellent qualities and your friendly nature. Most of all I admired your intelligence, something that I scarce in most people. That night, I dreamt of you vividly once again, the text you sent me asking if I had a good time, heck yes I did. I wanted to tell you that it was one of the best times I had in a long while.

Next day was it? Or the day after you invited me over. Was thinking hmm, okay that'd be cool. You introduced your cousins to me and I went in there with the mentality that they'd be around the same age as me. I was in for a shock. It felt awkward afterwards, terribly awkward.. Again, I suck at social situations and I was with my cousin, who clearly wasn't helping the situation. I left that night, extremely tired mentally, not physically. That was my introverted part of me; I couldn't deal with staying there too long I had to leave. I went back home that night and again I thought of you before I went to bed. Again you invited me over the next day, I declined because I had to recuperate my energy and make sense of what was going on. This was when I started realizing the actuality of the situation. I got depressed and started tearing as I talked to you from the 2nd floor of my shitty house with a horrible Internet signal. I wanted bad to be where you are but I felt so afraid, dazed and confused. I told myself I wish I could surround myself with people who cared, you had such a loving family and I was perplexed by your single status. Surely a woman like you would be rolling around with a man who truly deserves you.

The morning we left for Legazpi, I blocked myself from everyone in the car, I tried to disassociate myself by retreating to my comfort zone, the music in my head. I controlled myself but deep down I was crumbling, I wanted to stay longer and spend more time with you. Nay, not possible it was my future or you, I had to pick one. I stared outside while we had lunch, all sorts of images running through my head, wished someone would just appear with a Lamborghini and whisk me away to the airport. You looked at me when my mum brought up; I think it was my mum, something about marriage. That’s when I knew; you had a soft spot for me. I started panicking, said something about 30. You looked at me the entire time, while I tried to avoid your gaze.

Then came the infamous iNTJ - ENFP lock. You hugged me, probably the first time someone did that, at least with that intensity. My mum was around and so was Jap, I didn’t know how to react ha-ha. I felt calm and relaxed and I hated to leave you, which was why I texted you for a good bit before I left. Given the same opportunity, I would have texted immediately and probably non-stop. (-Zzz Starting to wonder if this was a good idea just writing this.)

I came back to Singapore, heart broken and home sick. I yearned to see you again, I missed you so much. I teared a couple of times, spent most of my time in isolation pondering over what could possibly be happening to you, what you were doing and whether you felt the same way. I was falling so deep and so hard into a well, with walls that high it was hard to climb out. I'm different; I climbed it, hard and long, occupied myself with friends and forced myself to shut you out of my life. Still, I sent you many songs, it's what I do when I like someone, I do something practical I try and make their lives easier, efficient or happier. In your case, music. Remember that song I sent you? My favorite book - Stars. "You are the anchor that holds me, that is why we'll always make it, how I know your face all the ways you move, you come in I can read you, you're my favorite book. All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes I never knew there was someone to make me come alive" You were literally my favorite book, I empathized with you.

 I deleted you and everyone else Melanie, Jap etc. off my Facebook. - Not because I had no confidence, I have ALOT of confidence; I just can't deal with feelings. Too much hassle, too much work. I felt bad afterwards; I didn't want to shut you off just like that. So I created another account and kept all of you there. It was a good reason though, my friends were finding out in particular my NTs and NFs, and they were suspicious asking me who you were, stuff like that. Damage control time.

Still I kept in touch with you, talked to you. I was aware that we could never be together (logically it's still possible). I kept telling myself reasons why it won't work, and how weird things would be between our families and friends. It's the sort of soap opera you only see in films, never in real life. I refused to believe this was happening to me. I wanted you soooo hard. But I didn't wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to be happy and I guess that was really only what I wanted, I didn't mean to lead you. I just wanted to make you feel better; I was foolish and retarded for confusing you. But you were confusing me as well; I didn't know exactly what you wanted. 

Deciphering your behavior became hard, it still is hard. It was hard for me to believe that I was different than the others you interacted with. Which means I wanted you to be pretty clear about me being special (if you thought I was). I needed a lot of reassurance. I observed your behavior and wondered if you were reliable, do you follow through with actions? I didn't want to be misleading either. The problem was you exhibit much of the same behavior to everyone, because you probably like everyone. I was skeptical of that and it made me feel slightly unappreciated when you share intimate stuff with everyone when I thought I’m the only one you'd disclose something to. (You didn't really disclose much actually)

-Scientific Approach –

ENFPs also have this almost psychic ability to read people, and INTJs give very little information for the outside observer. What this means is that ENFPs are one of the only types to actually pick up on the importance of the few subtle clues INTJs do give off. It’s actually a little alarming at first. They notice INTJs, and not only that, they find them incredibly interesting. Much like an INTJ is constantly searching for things they find intellectually stimulating, ENFPs are always looking for people they find challenging. It’s the kind of puzzle they like to solve, and an INTJ fits the bill perfectly.

So what does this mean in a practical sense? The ENFP will make the INTJ talk — they might even become downright social when it comes to their ENFP — and the INTJ will make the ENFP think. Their similar thought processes make conversation incredibly easy, and they bring out the best in each other. It’s just a sort of magical, instant understanding that’s incredibly difficult to find, especially for INTJs.

I hope I haven’t lost your attention but these past few days I’ve been exceptionally annoyed at myself. You in particularly have been on my mind, I’ve been losing focus in school, skipping work time for research time into you and coming up with all sorts of reasons and theory for why you do the things you do. I found out, why I was behaving this way and it’s because I really really really really like you. It’s definitely more than just a crush, definitely not lust. I want things to go at a normal pace and I don’t want you to be afraid or me, last thing I need is to lose your friendship. I’ve been hurt once; I don’t want to be hurt again. I think I’ve genuinely developed extremely strong feelings for you, on a level that I have never experienced before. You drive me crazy with delight, boosting my happiness levels and making me feel as high as a kite. It’s like ecstasy, but I’m constantly plagued by our differences.

If I don’t tell you this, I fear I’ll fall into a relapse of what happened last year and lose my lead for the Dux title. Please tell me if we can sort this out. I just want to help you out that’s all. I don’t expect anything else or anything more.  It’s been months and I still feel pain. It’s hard to cope with it, I’ve been doing it in all sorts of ways; some good, some very very bad. Rationalization, numbing myself, drinking lying all that sort of stuff, denial especially. I’m desperately trying to find closure in a situation that feels so fucking unfair but fixable. I truly honestly don’t believe I’ll ever find someone like you again, but I know that’s not being rational. Again, emotions are clouding my vision and ability to think. It’s so hard to be an optimist when I’ve always been a realist, I feel so jaded. Hopefully explaining this will make me feel better, find closure or see the beginning of your happiness.

It’s sort of like a noble thing that I do, I have this strong need to potray a confident image outwards, which I do possess, just that as I mentioned before, when it comes to emotions, I crumble. I lose control and you’re the perfect type of person to complement me, and I complement you.

But yeah, I did alot of stuff that I’d rather much like to tell you personally than in this letter that made me realize alot about your behavior and mine. We're all human beings and there's a certain order we follow when choosing why we fit with someone. I guess the main reason why you couldn't find the perfect guy was because you might have been searching in all the wrong places or that he might be doing the same thing I’m doing.

‎"Eventually the fast text message responses will become slow. The long conversation will cut short. The attention they give you will become neglected. The comfort they give you will become something awkward. The time they have for you will become non existent. The feeling of being close to them will become distant."

I'm looking to make a big list of all the weird little things an INTJ does to show they like you. I'm only looking for stuff that's kind of particular to INTJs though-- so, for example, offering to buy you a drink is not a particularly INTJ trait.

There can be contradictions in the list too-- INTJs are complex people.

I'll start. The format is this:
An INTJ might like you if:
...they're ignoring you on purpose.
...they're noticing your existance.
...they're being particularly nice towards you.
...they're being particularly mean to you.
...they criticize you a little too much.
...they interrupt their reading/writing/drawing/studying to talk to you.
...they pretend to be interested in the intellectually inferior interests you non-INTJ might have.
...they ask to do the Myers-Briggs test on you.
...they tell you you're probably an INTJ (a compliment of the highest order.)




Before I begin, I must say that this is just a general run though of how INTJ might behave in a romantic situation. This is by no means scientific. It's just the ramblings of an INTJ who has the pleasure and pain of interacting with other INTJs personally and professionally.

So how can you tell if an INTJ is interested in you?

I've organised the information into stages. Not every INTJ goes through these stages, nor do they have to follow this particular order....

Stage 1: Observation

When an INTJ first discovers that he/she is interested in you, his/her 1st reaction will be to draw back. This will manifest itself in different ways. He/she will treat you as if you are invisible and possibly ignore you, perhaps even to the point of rudeness. This is because feelings are confusing to the INTJ and you, as his/her object of interest, elicit feelings that the INTJ is not accustomed to dealing with. Therefore the first reaction is to take a step back and evaluate the situation, particularly these reactions that (annoyingly) the INTJ (who usually is quite collected), does not seem to have control over. Better adjusted INTJs may interact with you as they normally do. Do not be fooled by this apparent lack of interest. The INTJ is usually absorbing whatever information he/she can about you. It's what we do. If something strikes our fancy, we become experts in it. Any interaction during this stage will be awkward and stilted and you might come away with the impression that the INTJ doesn't really like you.

So indicators at this stage are a little hard to read. So there'd be an awkward lack of interest or the INTJ will go about their regular business but will always be 'tuned in' to you and what you're saying/doing. After all, we're masters of stealth....you can't really tell when we're listening and when we aren't.



Stage 2: Evaluation

In this stage, the INTJ may initiate contact. This can be either direct or indirect. You might find them spending more time around you and they might try to draw you into a conversation, ask you questions to try and get to know you, basically. Don't expect the usual drivel like: How's the weather? What d'you do over the weekend?, etc.... because remember... we cannot abide small talk. Intellectual compatibly is pretty high on an INTJ's list so this is when they gauge whether you 'make the cut. INTJs choose partners just like they choose anything else.... with care. We do the research, weight the pros and cons and then make a decision.... and if the decision is negative, its fairly easy for us to move on. This is not because we are nanomorphic mimetic poly-alloy cyborgs... its because we've assessed a potential partner or relationship and have concluded that it's a waste of time.

So indicators here are, you'll find the INTJ interacting with you more than they normally would in comparison to other classmates/colleagues or acquaintances. Time is important to the INTJ, especially time alone...so if an INTJ is spending time with you rather than writing a random program or reading a complicated book, it's a sure fire way of telling he/she is interested.

Stage 3: Action

When and how an INTJ will make his/her feelings known varies greatly. Some may come right out and say it (expect something more on the lines of a feasibility analysis rather than a mushy declaration of undying love) others might just find themselves 'falling into' a relationship. Signs that an INTJ is really interested in you is when he/she might do things that they wouldn't generally do, but that you find important. Say your band is playing at a pub, he'd/she'd attend even though he/she may not necessarily enjoy going to one. Bear in mind though, you sometimes might have to spell it out for the INTJ.
INTJs revel in optimising things. So an INTJ will show his/her affection by doing practical things for you.... like upgrading your comp. or mapping out the best route to work. Efficiency is something we value highly and by making things more efficient for you, is how we show we care.

So, is he/she interested?