You know, if there’s one thing I’m certain about is that I have a future ahead of me and that I ‘want’ to be someone, definitely will be. I may not be ‘someone’ that will be known globally but at least in my choice of institute or wherever my loyalty will eventually lie in. I’ve always told my friends this, especially in high school that I’m an opportunist, if there is one I’m going to seize the day and I won’t let anything get in my way, friend or family. I will abandon them if I have to, but I know deep down inside they will haunt me eventually.


-> This is where with you things change; I know that if I make a commitment to form a relationship with you, it’s going to be life long and transparent. However it’s all a blur, everything has to be changed, I need to make arrangements and plan for what is to come and how to ensure we get the most out of what we have, wherever we will be located or what we do. I adapt easily, so I have no problems changing things according to whatever the situation best fits. So when I look at Philippines, I have no bloody clue. But then again even here in NZ, I’m fairly successful with whatever little resources that I have. I take my shit seriously so please bare with me when I have this need for closure and finality.

I have my good days and I have my bad days. On good days I’m an awesome and fun person to be with, I become extremely insightful, I assist people and I generally produce work that is almost perfect. But in order to do this, I need to know what’s coming, or what is going to be in store for me. I cannot stand on the sidelines or on the fence, a decision must be made and I have to be involved. From there, I will push on for that goal unless obstacles arise that will make it impossible. I only give up, if the situation looks really bleak. Note: My definition of bleak greatly differs. I hold onto hope no matter how small or insignificant it may be.

On bad days, I frustrate myself with the smallest of details that don’t even matter at all. I get particular about certain things like, “It’s either this or that”. I become an over perfectionist till the point where I go into a slight stage of insanity. This is where I become insensitive and attack people where it hurts the most. If I’m suppressing this hatred and emotions within, my life becomes a constant battle between killing myself and looking forward. No I will never bring myself to the point of suicide, simply because I’m not stupid. And this is what frustrates me, I want to fucking die sometimes but I never see the need to end my life. Yes extremely dark thoughts don’t try and feel me.

⇒ This is where you make me feel like everyday is a bloody amazing day, with you I have this confidence that no matter what happens I have a pillar to lean on. A pillar that will always be solid and so pure. To me you’re like this carefree soul that wishes nothing but the best for people. In the face of adversities and set backs I know I can count on you to pick me up again without having to feel like all I want is to just bloody die. But by no means do I want you to always constantly make me feel good about myself; I’m not a needy person. In fact I hate people who are overly needy. ( cept you of course, I’ll do anything and everything for you)


I’m a long-range planner, I have my big picture staring at me. However the details, I don’t know.. I work on them when the time comes by. I’m at this point in my life now where I REALISE that happiness is not all about accomplishing goals and getting whatever I want, because let’s face it, things have NEVER gone according to plan for me. So what makes me think that the plan that I have initially made for myself is going to work. [Try and see me through a THINKING perspective, do not try and feel what I’m feeling, you won’t always get it right].

⇒ That being said, with you life is like an adventure, things come one at a time and it’s not helping that I’m fucking frustrated and under immense amount of pressure from school and my NT / ST friends. I need to put myself under this much pressure or my results will be average. So I tend to over think things sometime instead of enjoying the moment with you, I want to. I really really think that I’ll be much more happier and less confused when I’m actually going to be around you and be able to pour this affection that I’ve been holding back for 20 years of my life. Yes the emotions and affections are spilling out, which is why I had to tell you how I felt about you. I would have been a complete mess if I had not, and I didn’t need that especially one week before a major exam. [ which I’m glad to say I did fairly well, thanks to you ]

I don’t know if this is sufficient to explain my reasons for being ‘uncertain’ about us. There’s still a lot that I have to say and I can never fit it in a letter. I could probably write a book about my feelings for you. So it really does not help when you keep telling me to look around for other ENFPs and stuff, I’ve actually realized that im surrounded by a lot of them, and none of them come any close to you which goes to prove it’s definitely more than just a personality attraction. It goes way deeper than that, at least on my side. I appreciate the reality check that you’re trying to show me “there are better ones out there”. But I don’t know if I really want that? I’ve been having this checks constantly shoved down my mind by my friends and myself. For once, I just want to be content, live in the moment and look forward to a possibility of there being an US. In this sense, I want to trust that you trust me. I ‘LOVE’ you. I fucking do, and it scares me. I’ve never felt such an intense bond with anyone and I know that I saved all this for a reason. I haven’t asked you to be exclusive to me simply because I wanted reassurance from you, in fact I was hoping you would ask this question soon. Or else I’d become mad wondering what exactly are we?

As I said, having gone this far. Just the very fact that I’ve got you thinking about a future and I’ve got myself wondering if it’ll actually work goes to show the amount of effort I’m trying to put in just to make something magical happen.. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, with love – according to Feeling people, apparently. I actually do not like this mentality but meh… Ha-ha

I could go on actually but I think I should stop now, somethings I would like to discuss with you face to face or something like that.. But yess , I’m going crazy over you. I constantly stare at my phone waiting for a message, I wake up 2 hours extra early just to check if you’ve left a message. I think about us wherever I go, my mind’s always with you. I write poems in my head and make up ‘really cheezy silyl songs about us’ , whenever something significant strikes me, I make it a point to write it down so I can share it with you. I hate telling you this or anyone because I don’t want to come across as ‘needy’ and as overly affectionate or any of that sort. And also because I still wasn’t sure if you really felt the same intense feelings for me as I do for you. Yes trying to be noble and a strong man. ☹ Sometimes I wish I can remove this brave front that I put up for people to see and be vulnerable for once, althought I fucking hate the idea of putting myself up for everyone to criticise, cos they’ll get me wrong anway.

Stupid MBTI bullshit isn’t helping either.. just makes me confused with whether you are sincere about your feelings or it’s just the way that you are programmed, that you have to show feelings because that’s who you are. Soooo.. idk if it’s making sense but ya, fuck! And the drugs, I keep looking at different POV of the different MBTI types and I don’t know if it’s real or if I’m just imagining shit. Life’s a mess, all I want to do is be with you and shut the rest of the world, I want you in my universe. I’ve already made this space for you in my heart, would be a shame if I have to throw it all away just because my brain tells me this is a stupid thing to do.


Theoretically, LOGIC will always over ride FEELINGS.
but who knows? No one actually does.

I haven’t seen the world yet, I’m young but, I want to see it with you.