Martha Melody Monje

Hello! So I hope you made it through the day and smiled at everyone else, just as you’d promised me earlier. :) I was in deep pensive mood so I thought I’d share with you what I was thinking after hearing the song which you posted above. I want you to know that I am really appreciative of the all the good things that you’ve said to me. It makes me feel loved and secured at the same time. I have never received so much complement from a person in a long time probably because I try blocking these thoughts off in any ways possible. I possess this really strong personality where I had reached a point to shut off myself just so I’d be able to protect my feelings. But with you, suddenly it became so different I felt vulnerable and found myself participating in another engagement again. :)

But looking at this whole “us” thing, I still sense some uncertainties in you. When you gave me the affirmation that you liked me, yes probably you were relieved, but I feel that there are still so much anxieties where I had to ask myself if you really did the right thing? Shouldn’t you just feel and accept the joy? The love? The warmth? The excitement? The pleasure? The satisfaction? The elation? The tenderness? The comfort? Well, I feel guilty that I had become sort of a “distraction” but would it have made any difference if you haven’t told me?

Dick, listen. I honestly care about you and I’d like to give you the assurance that even if I am not physically around, I am with you through good and bad. But if you think that I am causing you so much pain and apprehensions, then I need you to at least be honest with me and tell me exactly what I need to do to alleviate your confusion. Just tell me if you want me to become no longer emotionally available to you. I cannot put your priorities (your career and your future) in jeopardy just because you are feeling extremely confused. It hurts that you always tell me that you’re confused because I feel I am not able to reciprocate your need to be completely happy. Do you need some time to deal with this without me? Do you need me to shut down so you could sort though things? Just tell me and out of friendship, I’ll gladly do it for you. Well of course within myself I know that this process would hurt me, but I just want to be strong enough to survive the discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Sooner or later, everything will always be back to normal. Please just tell me what to do.

See, this is the itch of not being able to completely release yourself. You have aloooot of doubts. You can’t move forward because you’re afraid of being too involved. All I need is for you to trust me, because I trust you. But thinking about it, you have not even asked me to become exclusive with and for you so I don’t really know where to put myself in this situation haha. It would be too silly and unlikely if I just assume that something is going on between us when you have not given me the affirmation that you wanted to take things to a different level. So because this is case, I would always encourage you to go out and mingle with other people so you can meet someone much better, more ideal than me -- Someone who can be physically and emotionally available for you; someone whom you can share deep conversations with and at the same time joke around with. I’m saying this because I really want you to experience how ecstatic it is to be in love and to be loved back and if I cannot be that person (because of certain issues, as in the age gap, the distance, individual differences and so on), then definitely there is another one waiting for you.

I am attending a company event later so I’m hoping I could talk to you tomorrow? Let me know if it’s possible! If not, then we can talk another time. Please don’t be sad. I hate it when you’re sad and I can’t help but blame myself. Take care, ok? I am hoping we could both organize our thoughts and feelings so that we can be on the same page hereafter. xxx