Damn it I feel extremely horrible now.
I've been losing a lot of self confidence over the past few months. In fact i've lost a lot of self confidence ever since i joined my new school. It's definately the new environment and the people I've come to meet. I guess I just can't do things the way i did before. I've been dealt a lot of blows and faced a lot of rejection from people whom i thought were friends and from the girl i loved. Not just that problems, so much problems at home and unhappiness. Things have probably never been any worse than it is right now. I'm being honest here.
I tried changing and i tried to control myself, things here started with a bang and i figured I was off to a right start, even though it wasn't the start i had initially planned but I was having fun and making friends. I sort of you could say became famous quickly? Yeah I'm very good at that, it just happens I don't really ask for it but the things I do end up getting noticed. Note: how i used the word famous and not popular?.
I was getting massive influx of friend requests on facebook and i was being a bad ass with my attitude and shit. I toned down. I stopped especially after the Zhi Ming incident and some bumps came up along the way through my reformative process, they weren't really major but they certainly made an impact on the people around the victim's friends. I guess as the months passed people got settled down and learnt to move in groups and definately they'd retaliate and form opinions of me just from hearing the things I do.
Human beings we're so fucked up. We're constantly throwing problems at each other and giving shit all day when we know we don't want to be treated that way. Back to my story, Yeah I certainly did tone down on the ferocity and the frequency of my carelessness and alpha male behaviour but I guess people end up realising hey, this guy isn't really much of a threat anymore. That's when they start hating and thinking you're really useless and you probably don't have a solid foundation anymore to attack.
Halfway through the year I started getting depressed and sad about life, and it showed up on my face certainly. I reckon this is probably where i lost my guard and became vulnerable to the gossips, ill wishes and comments made about me. It is inevitable certainly that wherever one may go there will certainly be haters and those that oppose you. I've had that, I definately had that when I was in high school but the words i heard never really much phased me cus i had my friends around me. I was pretty confident in the things i did and i was on top of the food chain. I was basically the alpha troll, the noob slayer, the omega, the massive giant, the big boy and with me were other alphas ( i know this is very contradictory k, alpha males don't get along with each other ) and we had a pretty solid link with each other.. I was happy i guess satisfied and I pretty much knew everyone about me. I never really felt threatened.
I was a cocky little bastard that made every teacher and student's life a living hell in school and on the intranets, so much that people were slowly deleting me off facebook and refusing to accept my requests. I did notice them and I didn't give a shit either. I tried being more friendly thou but friendliness and extroversion was never really my forte. I wouldn't say I'm much of a sociable person.
Actually you know what I've digressed a lot from my story.
I'm fucking insecure basically that just sums it up. I feel so alone, so dejected and miserable. I don't know what am I doing wrong and people certainly are finding it a hard time to give me a second chance. It's not like everyone around me are angels themselves but truth is you gotta learn to mingle and that's really important, anyone who disagrees are just too fucking stupid to realise it.
I'm getting a taste of my own medicine sometimes I wished i never tried being nice to the people here in MI, I should have just been a fucking monster and find that group that would best fit me and accepted me, continue terrorising people and lead a deluded life.
all at once i've finally took a moment and i realise my fault.
you're not coming back and it finally hit me all at once.
all at once i started counting teardrops and at least a million fell.
my eyes began to swell
and my dreams were shattered all at once.
all at once i'm drifting on a lonely sea, wishing you'd come back to me
and it's all that matters now. All at once i'm drifting on a lonely sea holding
on to memories and it hurts me more than you know.
so much more than it shows.
all at once....
pussy's probably my 2nd name now.
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