Things are getting even more awkward and wrong with each day I spend here. I haven't been going out much in fact I spent a large portion of my time indoors away from people or any social interaction with strangers, neighbors and my mums visitors. I barely show my face out in public and only go out at night  to try and ease the boredom. Under the moonlight and bad lighting I'd wear dark clothes and try not to stand out or attract any attention which takes a lot of effort. Lol mission impossible with my size, skin tone and especially the long nose and glasses! Speaking of glasses it's quite impossible to find someone sporting glasses. Well anyway as  I feel like a caterpillar, yet to become a majestic butterfly still a work in progress as I go through emotional and physical changes to better myself and come out a better, confident and more charming individual. However it's taking a toll on my relationship with my mums friends. They are wealthy individuals with a lot of social connections which makes it vital that I portray a healthy image and be responsible. Up to this point they've started to think of me As someone who is quiet stays indoors obsessed with playing world of Warcraft, spends obsessive amounts of time on the internet. That i am not interested in women, going out having fun or anything of that sort. In short they think I'm uncool. Well actually most of this judgements come from a particular friend of my mum, I've heard her say in Tagalog the first time that i was " Hindi sya mahilig sa babae, sa computer sya " translate to hes Not really interested in females but on computers. The second time was at the wake-boarding centre, my brother went wake-boarding but I didn't I had my reasons  because I didn't brought any extra clothes. I was prepared. I didn't want to get wet but mostly because I was embarrassed and was afraid to reveal the tubs of lard hidden beneath 2 layers of cotton, especially with all the hot women clad in 2 piece swimsuits. While my brother was busy enjoying the man made lagoon and getting wet, there I was sitting with my mums female friends under a shelter and using my iPhone at the wifi  hot spot to check Facebook. "Oh how typical of Sahdique huh? There he goes with his gadgets and Internet obsession, we drove him for 4 hours to enjoy himself and here he is using the Internet, time well spent huh?! " so when someone asked why I didnt join my brother in Tagalog she said " Hindi sya mahilig sa mga gabyan sa computer sya" ( hes Not interested in things like this he's more interested in computers ) I had my head down the whole time looking at my iPhone so upon hearing this I felt a rush of blood flow through my veins and it sparked a bit of an anger but I controlled and simply looked up for a while at her and looked back down, I think she felt I understood her and my outrage so she asked me If I understood what she said, told her yes that I understand whatever she said and at that point I think she felt guilty and tried to change the topic but I told her the reason why I'm not doing any of the activities here or going out often was because i was waiting for my friends. God I felt so fucking stupid after saying that, could've used some damage control right there. I don't know why she was being so judgmental but I guess I only have myself to blame, I guessed I acted the wrong way and made myself look like a total sperglord especially when all my conversations with them were mostly pertaining to politics, environmental policies and monetary issues. Perhaps It wouldve been better if I left out the intellectual conversations and play stupid for a bit. They're in their 30s and I'm in my teens what do you expect me to talk to them about? " hey you know where I can get some good weed and hot chicks here? " lol! I'm so fucking horrible at conversations I tell you this is a result of spending my whole teenage years cooped up at home with the Internet As my only means of interacting with the outside world, I'm simply still not comfortable with interacting with strangers no matter how much I might want to, why am I so fucking insecure? Especially around hot girls, I have no problem making small talks with fugly fat short girls but I can't do the same to someone of the same intellectual capacity and a much better physique than mine. Damn it I wasted my chance with that girl I met at the airport, oh wait that's another story I'll leave for later. God help me. God give me courage to overcome my insecurities. God guide me and show me how to change.


God says: lose weight you fucking fat piece of shit.
Dick says: ):