Very personal. I doubt this will make much sense to anyone but me. This is for me, so I guess that doesn't really matter then does it?

I don't know why I always think that if I try hard enough, I will never have times like these. Like if I could just pay attention, I will some day learn what the exact moment is that triggers this. I used to feel bad about how I acted when I get like this. Anymore, I think this is just who I am, and I honestly mean what I say when I feel this way. Just because most people are too "polite" to tell the truth, doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes need to be said. I don't really care if that makes me the asshole.

I have been having such terrible days. I just don't care. I know that I am being abrasive. I know I am being impatient, irritable, and mean. I have very little patience for incompetence, even on the best of days. Times like this, I have none.

To B: If you don't want to do it, and do it right, shut up and let someone else do it. Don't half ass something, and then get pissed when someone else goes back and redoes your work. Don't get mad because I work circles around you. Stop pouting when things don't go exactly like you think that they should. If you weren't such a bitch, and didn't spend so much time worrying about everyone else's business, you might have more time to do a better job. Have you every thought that the reason you think nobody likes you, is because they don't. Have you ever thought that maybe since you have a problem with everyone, then maybe the real problem is you? Worry about your own business, stop talking about everyone behind their back, and quit kissing ass to someone's face and putting a knife in their back. If you could do all of that, maybe you might not be so miserable and might actually grow a life of you own.

I used to get so upset after a had a day like today. I would worry that someone didn't like what I said. If someone got mad at me, I would blame myself, because I am the one that's nuts, I must be wrong. It just hit me, that just because I have some problems, doesn't always make me wrong. It might make me at bit more blunt with my delivery that I should be, but you really shouldn't push buttons, unless you want to see what they do. Sure, I might have always backed down in the past, but maybe I've had enough. I used to feel like I needed friends so bad, that I would settle for anyone that would talk to me. Maybe I realized that I would rather be friendless than to let you push me around, in your subtle way.

I don't care. I am so exhausted from lack of sleep. I am so angry at ....everything. I am so sensitive.

I don't have time for chit chat. You don't really care how I am, so why bother asking? It's just these stupid games that we play with each other, where we can feel better about ourselves. How are you? Fine. And you? Pretty good. If I told you how I was really feeling, you would probably avoid me as much as possible in the future. My own family doesn't want to know when I feel like this. Why? Because if they don't know, they don't have to worry about it. They don't have to pretend to relate, when they really have no idea. Or even worse, try to convince me that if I wanted to, I could just snap out of it. Trust me, nobody feels like this, if they have a choice.

A nice middle ground would be nice. How is middle ground again? It's been so long since I've seen it, I forgot. I remember it's nice and I like it there. I hope that it hasn't forgotten about me. If effort alone could do it, I would already be there. I've just got to hold on. This too shall pass. It always does. And then again, it always comes back...


All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm heading for a
breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be


From: "Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty

WTF IS A HOLIDAY FOR IF U STILL GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL!